As a father of 3 and a money nerd, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I’m going to teach my kids about personal finance. I want to give them an education that no one gave me. I also realize that small children will be bored out of their mind with traditional finance books.
What if we could hire a beloved children’s author to tailor financial lessons to our kids’ interests? The following is what I imagine Dr Seuss would come up with if he wanted to teach kids about money.
So Horton stopped splashing. He looked toward the sound.
“That’s funny” thought Horton. “There’s no one around.”
Then he heard it again! Just a very faint yip.
It was a teeny tiny broker with a great big stock tip.
“You look like a nice fellow” said Horton’s new friend.
“GE is planning to slash its dividend”
“Well that is quite shocking” Horton said with a snort.
“That sounds like a stock I probably should short.”
His ears started flapping, his morals were fading
As he contemplated the risks of insider trading.
With conscience corrupted and innocence sunk
Horton shorted GE with one wave of his trunk.
Now he summers in Paris and winters in Dubai.
He owns his own jet with a pilot to fly
All his friends round the globe in the blink of an eye.
He brunches with Buffett and gabs with Bill Gates.
With decadent peanuts stacked high on their plates.
When it comes to tiny tipsters you never can tell
How it will pay off when they tell you to sell.
One fish, two fish
Red fish, blue fish.
Some fish are cheesy.
Some fish are sleezy.
This fish botched his 1040EZ.
Just because you can spawn 2 million descendants.
Doesn’t mean you can claim them all as dependents.
Your aquatic accountant really should have caught it.
But now it’s too late and it’s time for an audit.
“I know just what to do” said the Grinch with a smile.
“I’ll use inflation to shorten their pile.”
At first it was subtle. Not one Who deduced.
Their wages were stagnant while prices were juiced.
Month after month the Whos had less Who-cash.
Their retirement savings went up in a flash!
Ramen from Walmart replaced their Who-hash.
Each Christmas was sadder, their stockings got lighter.
But the Grinch had a plan to make Who-budgets tighter.
“Whoville” he said with great consternation,
“Is going to experience gentrification.”
And at no time at all, the Whos shared their spaces
With hipsters sporting man-buns and beards on their faces.
Cindy Lou Who dropped out of school at a very young age
To make lattes at Starbucks for minimum wage.
Some Whos drove for Uber, and others for Lyft.
Each Who jumped at the chance to work a double shift
In the hopes they could save up for just one Who-gift.
The Grinch just kept laughing and licking his lips.
The Whos income streams had turned into drips.
Why wasn’t he phased by all these market blips?
His asset allocation was 100% TIPS.
Congratulations! Today is your day!
You’re using your credit rewards! You’re off and away!
You have cards in your wallet. You have points out the wazoo.
Now you just have to decide where you should travel to.
You’re on your own and you know what you know.
But AMEX decides which days you can go.
Christmas is blacked out. Thanksgiving too.
Presidents’ Day weekend? No that just won’t do.
How about February in Kalamazoo?
Or Tuesday through Thursday in East Timbuktu?
Oh! The places you’ll go!
Be it Citi or Visa or Capital One,
You’ll earn lots of points after spending a ton.
With Propel from Wells Fargo or Sapphire by Chase.
You can’t pick the dates but you can pick the place.
For one billion points you could orbit in space!
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
TSA pre-check is waiting!
So get on your way!
I can index my stocks. I can index bonds too.
I can index just mid-caps from here to Peru.
There’s an index for marijuana stocks, or so I’ve been told.
I’ve even heard of some people who index in gold.
Day trading is for suckers who love paying tax.
But me? I just stick to indexing in VTSAX.
You can waste lots of time trying to study the market.
Your cash getting dusty each time that you park it.
With auto-deposit and dividends reinvested,
My indexing returns will never be bested.
I pity the fool who sees all they’ve lost
Once factoring in all their taxes and cost.
So keep your eyes shut through each bull and bear.
Just own the whole market and you’ll get your share.
I’ve got a sneaky feeling and I know I can’t refuse it.
There’s a bitcoin in my pocket but I don’t know how to use it.
I tried to buy a pizza, but the driver wouldn’t take it.
I tried to rent a movie but each Redbox did forsake it.
I tried tailors. I tried barbers. I tried the the corner store.
Each time I showed my bitcoin they each showed me the door.
I thought this thing was valuable, but now I’m not so sure.
If it can’t buy chicken nuggets, then what is this thing for?
I tried to use the dark web, but I don’t know where to go.
I tried Bing. I tried Yahoo. Even Google doesn’t know.
I tried to put it in a Coinstar, but the screen just said “hell no”.
Can anyone tell me where I can trade this for some dough?
We like to hop.
We like to hop on top of pop.
Pop has a trust.
We need that trust or we’ll go bust.
Pop owns shares.
Pop shares shares with heirs who care.
We looked and we saw him! The CPA in the hat!
And he said to us “why file taxes like that?”
“I know that you’re broke and back taxes are due
But we can have fun with evading them too!”
The CPA got a smile that went ear to ear.
“I’ll just make up some losses and deduct them right here.
I know lots of good tricks. I’ll show them to you.
Uncle Sam won’t mind at all if you do.”
And before I could blink, my old W2
Was replaced with a fake that looked good as new.
“I’ve figured out just the right amount
Of the wealth you should keep in an offshore account.
I think that it’s time for a new tradition:
Hiding money in countries with no extradition.”
But before we e-filed I came to my senses.
I can’t fake my wages or make up expenses.
I showed him the door. I can’t risk my wealth.
Now I use Turbo Tax and do it myself.
The time has come.
The time is now.
Just go invest.
I don’t care how.
You can small cap tilt.
You can index the Dow.
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please invest now?
You can 401(k)
You could HSA
You could use the backdoor to a Roth IRA.
Just please invest please!
Don’t wait one more day!
Marvin K. Mooney, I don’t care how.
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please invest now?
Fox Socks Hock Stock
Fox in socks.
Fox in hock
Fox in hock sold all his stock.
How did fox end up in hock?
Now fox groans when he hears phones.
Debt collectors will break bones.
Fox had spouse.
Fox had house.
Fox lost spouse now fox lost house.
Fox Blocks Socks Box
Fox walks blocks in soggy socks.
Now fox in socks lives in cardboard box.