In celebration of Oktoberfest, the American Board of Medical Specialties (ABMS) has finally named an official beer for each specialty. Through much debate and deliberation, the leaders of the major physician organizations have agreed on the beers that best represents their members.
Prior to finalizing their decision, they have submitted their choices for a 90 day comment period. Take a look at what they’ve got on tap.
Although not formally allowed to participate in the negotiations, the pediatricians were so adorable that the ABMS couldn’t resist letting them in on the action. They just look so grown up holding those O’Douls cans that no one had the heart to tell them they were non-alcoholic. 10 bucks says one of them asks how many you can stack on top of each other.
Universally liked and approachable, Miller Lite is the perfect beer for family doctors nationwide. You’ve had better beers. You’ve had higher priced beers. But everyone has had a good experience with a Miller Lite.
What happens when you get dumped on by every other specialty on a daily basis? You don’t just become jaded. You become perma-scowl bitter. Spending a career doing scutwork for the cardiologists, gastroenterologists and oncologists will leave a permanent bitter taste in your mouth. That’s why ABIM picked the Green Flash Palate Wrecker as their standard bearer.
No one plans on needing a Bud Light Lime. Everyone expects their favorite beer to be there for them. But what happens when it’s 2AM and you’re out of town? Your fancy craft beer is home resting in the fridge. Bud Light Lime is the scrub top/cargo pants mullet of beers. You don’t want to admit it, but it gets the job done when no one else will.
Michelob Ultra is a perfectly fine beer that is drank almost exclusively by women. Anytime you see a man choose Michelob Ultra in 2018 it raises so many questions. Did he not know there were other beers to pick from? Maybe he comes from a long line of Michelob Ultra drinkers and he felt obligated to continue the family tradition. Are there any female bartenders that actually prefer male Michelob Ultra drinkers?
Anesthesiologists had an easy time with their choice. Clocking in at 18% ABV, this hoppy IPA will knock you out without warning. Like a shot of Versed in pre-op, Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA will have you feeling relaxed in no time. One minute you’re counting down from 99, the next minute you’re waking up in a strange bed with someone encouraging you to breathe. *Warning* – You will not be able to play Sudoku behind the curtain while drinking this beer.
Orthopedists had no choice but to pick the universal symbol for jocks. Served in a can designed for optimal forehead crushing, Pabst Blue Ribbon tastes like it was brewed inside a leg cast for 8 weeks. You’re not going to get any complex flavor notes from PBR. What you see is what you get. Hulk thirsty. Hulk drink beer. Hulk smash.
Samuel Adams Boston Lager is a versatile beer that is useful in all sorts of occasions. It’s higher priced than some beers, but cheaper than others. Just like Boston Lager is a safe bet to bring to most parties, a general surgeon is a safe bet to consult on your sick patients. Sam Adams could have gone into hand or breast surgery, but as a man of the people he prefers sticking to hernias and appys.
Need a good beer to drink while sitting on the beach working on your melanoma and basal cell carcinomas? Look no further than Corona. Dermatologists picked a light beer that can be enjoyed Monday to Thursday before 5PM and lunchtime on Fridays. Don’t bother calling for a Corona a 2 AM on Saturday night. She’s taking a siesta and won’t return your page.
What do you drink after a long day of banding varices in cirrhotics? Nothing helps you forget about a bowel perf like the award-winning Belgian blonde Delerium Tremens. Gastroenterologists’ patients may be seeing pink elephants, but the docs are the ones drinking them. Unlike a colonoscopy prep, this won’t leave you feeling drained the next day.
The radiologists came out from the shadows and picked a pub classic. Guinness is as dark as the reading room. Like radiologists, Guinness may appear unassuming but beneath the surface it is surprisingly complex. A pub wouldn’t be the same with out Guinness just like a hospital wouldn’t be the same without radiologists.
What beer could represent neurologists better than The Alchemist’s Heady Topper? The only thing narrower than the tPA window is the window to buy Americas most wanted beer. This stuff sells out so quick that someone created an app for fans to track it down. This is the perfect beer to unwind with after a lugging around that bag full of reflex hammers and tuning forks all day.
The endocrinologists picked a beer that only a 400 pound diabetic with a sweet tooth would choose. Du Claw Sweet Baby Jesus is a chocolate peanut butter porter. It tastes like Willy Wonka and Jack Daniels had a baby. If you want to get your A1C under control, this is not the beer for you.
We all know what’s going on here. You’ve got 10 bucks and need to get $h!tfaced ASAP. Pain management physicians have the beer for you. Colt 45 may not be respected by other beers, but it doesn’t care. As long as people keep lining up to buy malt liquor, they’ll keep selling it for cash.
Pick Your Poison
When choosing a medical specialty it is important to be honest with yourself and pick something that fits your strengths. These medical specialties worked hard to come up with a beer that represented them. Now it’s your turn to help by spreading the news and leaving your feedback below.
Whether you’re an ice-cold Miller Lite or a room temperature Colt 45 in a brown paper bag, the ABMS appreciates you and all that you do for your patients.